I know it’s been some time since I wrote last but writing for me, oftentimes comes in waves. I only write when I really have something on my heart to share.
I recently had a couple more opportunities to share our baby loss stories with others, in group settings. As always, I love sharing but not when it’s that time of the month. My mind is never in the right frame of mind. I’m always more emotional and don’t know how to put things into perspective. I always end up just telling it how it was, emotionally and not how it was back when it happened. I forget and don’t ever paint the real picture, how it should be painted. How the Lord grew our marriage and how God gave us so much peace and strength through the whole horrible situations. How through it all I can rejoice even in tribulation and sorrow. It is an indescribable feeling when you give all those emotions over to God. Especially emotions that come from losing a child.
I’ve never been good at speaking in general to more than two people at a time. I get nervous and forget things. I’m more a one on one kind of person. I prefer to share one at a time, but I’m thankful I had an opportunity to share and listen to others who had gone through child losses as well. It helps so much to know how to better pray for people.
One thing I also don’t like about sharing in a group setting is when I’m the only one in the group without living children. It’s really difficult because I can’t relate and can’t sympathize with anyone and they with me.
Losing a baby was hard, losing three was harder, but not being able to relate to living breathing children with other mothers is by far the hardest for me, thus far. I can live with the fact I may never have the opportunity to give birth again and never have my own biological babies, living and breathing outside the womb. But the fact I may never fit in a group with other mothers, is by far the hardest thing for me to bear. I don’t know where my place is in the church, I don’t know where I fit in in group settings? I feel like a stick in the mud if I don’t join other mothers on outings and such. It’s just so hard. I feel like a block trying to fit into a round hole. It just doesn’t work.
I’ve been trying to find my place for awhile, so far I’ve found the best job of my life and somehow have managed to stay content doing that and I feel very privileged to have such an amazing job. But I can’t hide away forever in my job as much as I often wish I could, because it just feels easier and safe and I don’t have to deal with that pain of not fitting in. But I know I do have to go out and spend time with others in different walks of life. That’s just life in general. But I guess it was never meant to be easy. And it definitely hasn’t been.
I often wonder if Jesus, when He was on this earth, if maybe He felt a sense of not fitting in? We know as a child He knew so much, He knew it all, the Scribes and Pharisees and Sadusees all marveled at the knowledge He possessed at such a young age. I wonder if other children teased and mocked Him? When His disciples would fall asleep while praying with Him I cannot help but wonder if the feelings of relating might have grieved Him just a bit? Since He did have human feelings just as we do. He must have felt that of not fitting in. He has felt everything they we have felt. He is the ONLY One that can truly relate to anything we go through in this life. Jesus has felt it all and so much more!
But I say all that to say. Whatever you are going through. The best thing you can do is just continue to give it to God. No matter how painful, no matter how heartbreaking and maybe you think your pain is insignificant compared to some? We should never compare our pain with others. Pain is pain. No matter how it’s occurred. It’s an emotion that is true and real that can either make us or break us. But we should never be ashamed if it breaks us. We are human, after all. A broken and contrite heart, God will not despise. (Psalm 51:17).
As I continue to give this over to God, I pray God shows me exactly what my purpose is, and how I can better serve and glorify Him, through my trials.