It’s been too long since I posted a blog post. A lot has happened since my last post. But more about that later.
This has been on my Mama heart to share for so long and now I’m finally ready to share.
We lost another baby on January 3rd, 2019 which makes number 3 for us. Baby Grace, is what we named her, although we never found out the gender, the whole time I carried I called her Hazel Grace, which is odd since I never wanted a girl until I was pregnant with this sweet baby. And the fact my cravings consisted of healthy foods was unusual for me, since all I craved was junk food with both of my boys. And I dreamed of a baby girl before I lost her. I dreamed of baby boys before I lost each of them.
But God knows the gender and “Grace” is extended to both genders in the Bible so Grace could very well be a boy or girl name. But for now, she is called Grace. I just couldn’t not name my baby. I don’t understand how you can’t, no matter how small they are. Everyone deserves a name. From a God who names every star in the heavens, I would just feel awful not naming my precious baby. That’s just how I feel about it, everyone is different.
Now to get back to the title. I stopped going to baby showers for many reasons, but before I dive into the why’s. One thing I wanted to mention to people who have never experienced a baby loss is, to those not knowing anything of how that feels, being invited to a baby shower is such a huge encouragement to a mama who has lost a baby.
The reason being is, even though she most likely won’t attend, that is not a reason to not invite her. To not invite a close friend after experiencing loss will most likely make her feel sad and not included. That really hurts a mama heart who has lost. Because she already feels not included as it is. She’s never called to come hang out with you because she doesn’t have kids to play with your kids, she feels not included to birthday parties to your kids parties because her kids are not there to attend. And even if she is invited to said parties, she may have to decline because it’s hard to be the only one in the room without a living breathing child. It just plain hurts. But being invited makes her feel included and that you thought of her, being thought of is a wonderful thing for a mama who has lost.
I know this sounds like someone who is complaining and throwing a pity party. But truly it isn’t that at all. One of the worst things you can do for a friend who has lost a baby is not include her in many things, baby showers are one of them. Because she already feels left behind. And feeling left behind is the worst feeling in the world.
Imagine it. You have friends who go on a girls trip a group of friends whom you are close to, all of them have kids like you, but they don’t bother to ask if you’d like to come along. Feels pretty bad, right? That’s how a mama of a lost baby(ies) feels, All. The. Time. It just plain hurts. And we often feel left behind on many things, many outings, many play dates, fun times with other mamas who get to make fun memories with other mamas. It’s hard, ya know?
But we often try not to wear our feelings on our sleeves so it probably seems like we are fine to go on as we are. But frankly even mamas without their babies feel lonely just as those that do. We all need the companionship of other mamas, we crave community, too, people we relate to. That’s one of the many things God has blessed me with. When I feel down, I have my girl friends to cheer me up, cheer me on, and encourage where encouragement is needed. And likewise. I’m so incredibly blessed with so many Godly friends and family that encourage me on a daily. ❤️
Here are some other reasons I stopped attending baby showers. For my sanity’s sake.
I have attended a few baby showers since I said I would not attend another one. And frankly it was just plain hard. It felt like my heart was on fire. So many tears. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry and die right there, but I didn’t die. I didn’t curl up into a ball on the floor, instead I prayed and asked God to help me. Hubby and I at one of them sat with a new family in our church and they told us the beautiful stories of how they adopted their boys. It really does help to pray, y’all. I left with a happy heart for the couple, I didn’t shed any tears going home. I just kindly excused myself once the gifts started. Because I knew I would be balling then. But it doesn’t always end that well. Most often I leave feeling alone and in tears.
I also stopped attending baby showers because of the baby stories that are always shared. Because they are all beautiful and sweet and make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. If it came time to sharing my stories, everyone would go home crying or feeling sad for me, or even pitting me which is by far the worst. So no, I cannot attend the baby showers anymore. Being the one to ruin a perfectly beautiful party is just not cool. So that’s why I stopped.
How has not attending baby showers helped me? I’ve learned to accept my baby losses, I know God has a plan and I trust Him wholly. I’ll be honest I don’t understand the purpose and plan, but I trust my Savior with my whole heart. I know He knows what He is doing and there is a reason for everything. And not only that, I have way more peace and joy because of it. If you know me at all, you know I’m not a naturally strong person, I am as weak as they come. Any strength that is showing is all God.
When I attended baby showers, it hurt so much and made me so discontent in where God had me. Once I stopped attending, my joy has magnified and I’m even happy for those having a baby, my contentment in where God has me has magnified as well. I still have my days of discontentment, who doesn’t? But it’s gotten way better.
So if you invite me to your baby shower and I don’t come or if any of your mama friends that have lost, please don’t be offended, because they maybe struggling, too. When you’ve experienced this kind of loss, sometimes you just got to learn to say no. It’s not because we don’t want to be supportive to our mama friends, it’s simply because it hurts too much. Instead of being offended try to be sensitive and understanding. It goes a long way to a mama who has lost. ❤️
Yes, I still want a baby of my own. Man! I want a baby so bad! But I’m learning to be content in where God has me. He has given me the best job I could ever ask for. (I love my job!!) And an incredibly kind boss. (He is just plain awesome!) And a wonderful husband whom I do not deserve. I’m learning the best things in life are those you’ve waited for, for the longest. My job and my husband are a testament of that. God is so good, y’all. Thanks for reading.
P.S. Have you lost a baby? What are ways that are helping you cope with your loss(es)?