October Goals Report (week 4)!

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Wow! Is it already week 4?? Is this even possible? November is just two days away! I cant even…! Well the first part of this month was amazing thanks to enthusiasm and Chalene and Beachbody and the Turbo Fire team! Two weeks of fun Turbo Fire, so.much.fun! 

  
Then week 3, Katie, got sick and guess what folks, Katie is still sick and whats more I have some crazy news that has come up, thanks to a Dr visit yesterday. Katie is going to have surgery! 😷 No, not my tonsils, though, I have considered it in the past, but I love singing far too much. God gave me a high roof to my mouth for a reason. πŸ˜‰

  

After John Spencer’s death (my firstborn), I had an odd shaped bubble come up under my tongue, it was just a lil small bubble, soft and squishy. My doctor thought it might be allergy related and it went away after I took allergy  medication for it. Then after my second son’s death it came up again, only this time it was bigger. I thought my mono had returned cause it felt like my throat was closing up again. But it was just the lump had gotten so inflated that it felt like my throat was getting smaller. Again, it went away and then this time two weeks ago to be exact when I started getting a sore throat it came back only this time instead of just a lump under my tongue, it was also a half of a golf ball size lump on the outside of my throat.  So I went to see an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) doctor yesterday and he told me I would need to go down to Birmingham and get it surgically removed. Instead of removing it from the inside of my mouth they would remove it from the outside, so I will most likely have a scrar on my neck (poo!). But I guess as long as they remove it and pop the one on the inside. I guess thats all that matters. Plus, if I’m consistent then I’m sure there’s an oil for that (For scarring, that is). πŸŒΏπŸ˜‹

  

The Ranula is what its called can be caused by trauma, so kinda makes sense since my body has undertaken quite a bit of that in less than a year, with the deaths of our boys. 

  

I’m not looking forward to the recovery part, though.  I know a friend who recently had neck surgery on her thyroid and was in bed for weeks. Hopefully it will only be a day or two for me.  I don’t like surgical recoveries, Ive had a few and they are miserable especially being so far out of town makes it worse. 

But hopefully it will be an easy recovery and I will be able to get back to normal and back on my feet with some serious exercises/weight lifting, etcetera, soon. 

  
But since my consultation with the B’ham doctor isn’t until the 16th, I’m going to try and lose a few pounds before then. At least 2 if not more. We will see how this next week fairs and see how back to normal I can get before I go under the knife. 

Thanks for reading, your prayers would be appreciated! 

Kaite

P.S. If I have the time, next week I hope to share some of my favorite easy recipes that I have used on my fitness journey. 😊 So stay tuned!

A chance to love. A chance to heal.Β 

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I have been so blessed lately. I really do feel blessed, now that I have finally gotten off of Facebook. Technically you could say I am “still on” but I never get on except to see if people have tried to contact me through my Photography/blog or jewelry pages. All three are still up and running just not as active as they were when I was “on”. I have a new fb account but I dont choose to have friends, at least not at present. I am kinda over Facebook for many reasons. But for one, it has given me a chance to love people again, and two, it has given me a chance to heal from our recent circumstances.

  

1). A chance to love again! 

Facebook as you may have already gathered brings out the very worst in a lot of people. It really does. I have seen a mean part of me, I never wanted anyone to see. It has ruined my chances for me to many people to be considered a respectable, kind and considerate kind of person. I really have been ashamed and wonder how anyone could love me or want to be my friend after seeing my bad side. Trust me, if you haven’t seen it, yet, you don’t want too. But I have seen other people’s bad sides too, because the affect Facebook can have on certain people. Especially us, who are very passionate about what we believe are true and real in this life. We tend to show all of our sides pretty regularly on FB, the place we feel at home pouring out our hearts to. But like the Bible says our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked who can know it?! So pouring out our hearts isn’t always the best thing on FB. 

  

 
Now that I am off of this form of social media, can I just tell you, how free I feel? I feel like FB had me under a sort of spell, an enchantment, if you will, and now that I’m off, I feel so much more free! Like a bird escaped from the ensnared cage. I tell my God all my sorrows, joys, hopes and irritating moments that beset me from time to time. I’m no longer talking to a wall but talking to my Father. And isn’t that better or how it should be? 

  

 
I have been given the chance to love people again, truly love them and being with them, talking to them face to face and not screen to screen. Even voice to voice, when phone call is more convenient. I can love them like we were meant too. And I’m sure Facebook can be used for good too. I have used it for good, even when people misjudged me for using it for bad. But oh well. No matter. Its over and done with. Facebook is just not for everyone. 

  
2). A chance to heal! 

After much prayer and thought and when I finally disconnected myself and hit the delete button, after time, I have finally begun to heal.

  

 
 It wasnt an easy choice, I did have withdrawals and wondered what people were up to, but lately, if I wanted to know, I simply shot an email or a text or left a message on their phone, what they are up to? 

  

 
I found friends for accountability for exercising and more joined in wanting the same. I got back on My Fitness Pal and began getting serious about taking care of my health and body. Worked out consistently for two weeks the longest and most Ive ever taken interest in at one time. This past week I got sick…. And feeling better again. Can’t wait to get back to my daily exercise regimen. 

  
So many things to keep me busy, so many things to keep my mind occupied, to keep me keeping busy, not being idle, but keeping me busy to stay focused on the true and real. I have a photoshoot today where I hope to meet new people and a painting class tonight again, where I can meet new people. Facebook as you can see isn’t the only place to meet new people. Face to face, handshake to handshake, tangible people. I am so blessed! So very blessed! So thankful! God is so good! 

   

 
My healing is so much more easier, so much easier to bear. The everyday burdens are lighter, the grief not so deep as it was before. My hope is in my Lord who made me and formed me in my mothers womb. I have no reason to be fearful of the future, its planted in the palms of His hands. 

  
When I had a Facebook I was not given a chance to heal my broken heart. I was daily bombarded with thoughts and wishes that were crushed on a day to day basis, I was constantly reminded of my little ones who were no longer in my womb, no more to be wrapped in my aching arms, no more kisses from mama and daddy. Forever in my heart, forever wet, on my cheeks. I couldn’t get on without seeing something or someone talking about babies and their mamas and daddies, announcements and boy or girl this or that, baby camo, overalls, cowboy boots and hats, John Deere tractors, guns and hunting, black bear teddy bears, diapers and burp cloths galore. Things we will never get to do with our boys, places we’ll never get to take them, things we’ll never get to see them do… So many things that I couldn’t get away from, people I couldn’t stop talking too, I didn’t want to be bitter or rude. I was so happy for them, truly, but how do you tell people you’re happy for them when you’re choking back tears that are running down your face?

  

  
How can you say you’re happy for them when in reality you wish you could die a thousand deaths just so you could have a chance to hold and kiss your baby one last time? When they have it so easy, they can pick up their baby and cuddle them whenever they wish? 

  
You cant heal properly when you’re bombarded with all of this daily. It goes too deep, too hard to bear and still try to muster up a smile for them? It was too hard for me. I’m too weak. I have too big of a heart for my boys. They were part of my whole world! 

  
Finally, now that my Facebook account ceases to exist, no longer to be looked at or saught after. Finally my aching Mama heart is healing. I don’t daily have to be  bombarded with questions from people that have to know everything that is going on. I’m not bombarded with baby stuff day in and day out. Just on occasion seeing the little ones at church. Or the occasional photo I look forward to seeing of my neices and nephews on Instagram or those I keep in contact with. I don’t want to be cut off completely just not so heavily like FB has become. Instagram you can only share so much, Facebook is like a blog of ones entire daily life. 

   

 

I haven’t healed completely, but I cry less and less. And I rarely ever hold back tears. I try not too, but sometimes you don’t want to make a scene, ya know? I try not too. But sometimes its hard. 

  

 I’m thankful God gave me the courage to delete my FB. I am so thankful I am off. I only miss my workout accountability groups. They were something I got on for, everyday. But My Fitness Pal does a good job with that. And I have friends on there that are encouraging and hope I can be that for them as well.  

  
There are many more reasons I could share with you why I am off, but these are the main reasons, I am so thankful its working. 

   
Like, Smike, in his contentment (from Dickens’ Nicholas Nickleby), “I can finally say it. I am happy!”

Thank you for reading and God bless you, 

Katie

 

 

October Goals Report (week 3)!

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Well this was a fun week (not!). Totally being sarcastic. πŸ˜‹ as the boy on National Velvet would say “I was sick all night!” Or rather all week! It started with a scratchy throat on Sunday but I felt better in the afternoon and that night I was rolling in misery and pain. Monday was worse! But I still managed to do my exercises and wasn’t gonna let it beat me. Tuesday my exercise was at night, cause I was weak as a kitten all morning and afternoon. And then Wednesday it beat me, so I rested the rest of the week through today, (Friday).

  

I’m feeling like it’s almost over though, I think if I make myself rest and sleep I will most likely be over this by Sunday or Monday. So no exercise until Monday! Do you realize how hard it has been not to exercise for me? I had been exercising consistently for two weeks straight and then two days and then nothing! I am in agony and hurting to exercise so bad!! Yesterday I managed to burn 81 colories (81!!!!) walking about all over the house. Our house is not very big. Seriously. Its the tiniest trailer you can buy. You cant find this size on the market anymore cause they dont make them this small anymore. We couldn’t get insurance on our house because its so old. Yeah. So it doesn’t take a lot of effort to walk about the house. 

  
Anyway, sadly my goals were not met this week, due to sickness but I’ve done so well so far! I even checked the last time I measured myself was, back in August, and according to what I measure now, I have lost 9 1/2 inches!! Woohoo!! So thats pretty awesome!! 
  
So next week will be better and more active. I assure you!  I have missed it every single day! Its so hard for me to sit still and be constrained. But I dont want a relapse and have to lay in bed even longer. So sometimes you just have to take the bitter pill and do the not so fun stuff in life. Its never a bad thing to get extra sleep when you really need it. And hubby has been very understanding through it all. I haven’t cooked since Tuesday night and he hasn’t complained once about it! So I’m glad! πŸ˜…

Well that about wraps up my germ filled week! Did you meet your goals this week? Tell me about them in the comments! 

Laters, 

Katie

October Goals Report (week 2)!

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Oh my word!! Haha!! What a GREAT week!! I am seriously so pumped and looking forward to next week with SO much anticipation!! Why am I just now finding out I have such a great love for working out?? This is the first time I have ever looked forward to something like this in my whole weightloss journey which is going on for four years!! Yeah, long time to be doing something and constantly failing at it or getting “pumped” for a day or two an smack dab falling on my face about it and giving up!! Or looking for a “quick fix”. Which who wouldnt want to use a fat eraser if there was one you could use or drink? The thing is, just like Hubby always tells me, there isnt a “quick fix” they’re just fads and they only promise to last for a lil while but once you get off of them the weight comes back. He is so right, cause I am living proof! As long as you eat healthy and workout consistantly everyday then the weight will come off. So far this is day 12 and I have lost a total of 10lbs!! (Yeah I cheated and weighed in on Thursday, I knew I had lost some and sure enough I had lost 3 more lbs from last weeks 7!! So a total of 10!! Can I tell you that boost my energy all the more when I saw those numbers?!! It definitely did!!

  

I am not an athlete or an aspiring one, I dont plan to run a Marathon or be a runner. I only have a few small goals. To be healthy, cause my  temple, (my body) belongs to God and I want a baby!! πŸ‘ΆπŸΌ or two. Or three…πŸ˜‚
So with all that said, this week, was awesome! It really was!! Everyday except for Monday I burned over a 1,000 calories and I think I found my “true love” in the exercise world. I was going to walk three days a week but I found myself doing it everyday and I kept getting better at it and getting stronger even added a lil sprinting, I dont do sprints well but today I could tell my muscles are building stronger cause I could run a lot longer and faster! πŸ˜€ Thats pretty huge for me! Like I said, I’m not a runner by any means Im usually too clumsy for it, my ankles roll too much. But considering all that, I did alright. But I enjoy walking cause I have time to see God’s creation more, when I try to run I miss it all and am too busy focusing on my breathing and my time. Like today I noticed the last bit of Queen Anne’s lace in the field in front of our trailer, I would have missed it if I had been running. {it’s the little things, ya know?} 

  

Ok so this week, Monday through Wednesday I did a standing Pilates workout, (like the Dvd I showed you last week) it was fun for the first two days but by the third day I kinda dreaded it mainly cause I was in so much pain, my muscles were extremely sore, but I got it done anyway. Wednesday afternoon I went to the Library to take back some dvds I borrowed and noticed the workout Dvd section, and the last time I had checked it, it was very skimpy and had very little to choose from but I went over to look at them, then and seriously there are a bunch of different series to choose from. I felt like a kid in a candy store and drooled over which one I wanted to choose, first. That boost my energy levels as I skimmed through all the ones I wanted to do. Too bad you can only rent three at a time, otherwise my arms would’ve been full. 

  
 

{I’m not too wild about how people dress in their workout attire like in public or on these DVD’s otherwise I would show you the pictures. You have to look them up at your own discretion}.


 
I’ve enjoyed doing Jillian Michaels in the past but I hate the way she dresses. And her voice drives me nuts. Then this week I started doing Turbo Jam, (Created by Beachbody workouts) and Chalene, the trainer reminds me so much of JM, her workouts and everything, but her voice is fun and energetic! I just wish they had more of her workouts cause she makes them fun. I only saw two of her DVDs at the library. 😐 Oh well. 
So Thursday through Saturday I did the Turbo Jam. I only recommend this one if you can handle the dress and the loud music. I like having a beat to my workouts but this kind of music isn’t what I normally listen too. But if you look at it in a fun workout way it makes it more enjoyable. 

  

Food was pretty good this week, my workout was better though. And it looks as though I will have to wait until after Christmas to start on the THM diet cause I haven’t been able to get the original cookbook from my friend cause her copy is packed away somewhere since they are in the process of moving. So I will just have to wait till after Christmas, that is if I end up getting it like my mom said she would. So we shall see. πŸ˜€ I have a feeling something or someone doesn’t want me to try this lifestyle. πŸ˜†

Oh well, I’ve waited this long I can wait a lil longer. My weightloss journey isnt ending simply because I cant do the Trim Healthy Mama lifestyle. No sire-ree. I will just keep doing what I’ve been doing and push on through til I reach a new goal! Just ten more pounds to lose this year and I would have reached that new goal! πŸ˜…

  

So I’m excited to see what God will do for me before the end of this year! So thankful to see what He has done and is doing now! He is good, y’all! Until next weekend! 

Have a great day! Have you reached any new goals lately? Would love to read them in the comments! πŸ˜„ 

Cordially, 
Katie

October Goals Report (week 1).Β 

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Hello everyone! I am a couple days late from reporting back to describe my first full week of goals and how I did. My apologies. It ended up being a great week for my main goals, like food and exercise, I managed to exercise every single day except yesterday, Sundays are just too hard for me to exercise. I stay pretty busy on these days getting ready for a new week, I s’pose. 

I wasn’t able to start the Trim Healthy Mama book yet, but hopefully this week sometime I will be able to start it. A friend of mine told me I could borrow her copy until I (Lord willing) get one for Christmas. Obviously, I haven’t received it yet, otherwise I would be starting it today. I don’t quite understand the concept completely just read some of the recipes and really liked what I read. However they will be slightly modified on sugar sweetners. I had bought lots of coconut sugar awhile back just for baking when it was on sale and I plan on using it instead of the Stevia, plus the Stevia gives me migraines and I’m not that anxious about using it. Not sure about the Stevia blend or the stuff they use that starts with an X? Never tried it but maybe one of these days. I really like the coconut sugar, its not real sweet, it actually reminds me of crushed graham crackers. But its pretty healthy for you than regular sugar, as much as sugar can be healthy. 😜 

  
{The Valerie Bertinelli video “Losing it and keeping fit” is a nice beginner to intermediate workout system. I highly recommend this DVD if you are new to the whole workout DVD home gym, thing. It has a beginner 20min. Workout as well as an intermediate level 40min workout system. They also have bonus ab exercises. The everyday abs is 30 sections of crunch exercises of 5 each and The ab challenge is 30 sections of crunch exercises of 10 each. Its a fun lil workout. I actually do it everyday for extra ab challenge. The ab challenge that is (10 each). }

I have now graduated to the standing Pilates Exercise. More about her next week. 

Ok so my week basically consisted of the same exercise video of 43 minutes of strength, cardio and ab intervals. I really like that concept but now I must move to a more intense level because I feel I’m not hurting the next day or sore anymore, I don’t sweat as much, so that usually means I have graduated from that level and need to move up. Plus, I’ve been trying to walk at least three days a week to add to my daily routine of at least 40 minutes, which where I walk (with three hills) it comes to about 2-3miles including walking to our mail box and up and down our .25 of a mile driveway (one way, .50 miles both ways). It helps to get that 3miles in by running up one of the hills. I like to sprint some of those hills to get my heart rate up and it adds a good challenge to my workout. I need to start adding weights to my walking which I haven’t done yet. Below is a photo of our loooong driveway. 

  

As far as eating goes, I enjoy using My Fitness Pal app on my phone, its all right there in front of me, how many calories I’m burning and how much food, calories, carbs and fats I’m putting in my body. Which I am thankful it tells me, “you went over your carb intake today…” Which keeps me on my toes to look and be consistent. Like Saturday and Sunday, especially Saturday, I ate WAY too many carbs, but I still managed to lose 7lbs this week, how that happened, I have no clue? But I am always willing for that to happen! πŸ˜„ All that working out is really paying off as well as staying away from sugar and white breads! My goal is to lose 20 more lbs by January 1st 2016. So its been a challenge in of itself to stay the weight Ive been at for so long. But would love to see the numbers I saw on the scale before I got pregnant with John Spencer, (my first). And next year lose the additional 20-30lbs to get down to pre-wedding weight, so I can fit into all my clothes again.  That’s my goal before I get pregnant again. Since we have to wait a whole year to try again (which we can start trying again, Lord willing, in May), I want to be in the best health I can possibly be for our next baby, especially since it looks like I’m going to have to have some kind of sugery for that. Pregnancy sounds a lil more scary for me, this time around and I want to be at the peak of health as I can possibly be. I know I can get there, its just going to take a lot of patience (encouragement from family and friends) and strength and endurence to persevere. πŸ˜‰πŸ’ͺ🏻

And then every Monday morning before eating and drinking and after using the ladies room, I weigh and measure myself to see how much I’ve lost. So far Ive lost 7lbs, as you already know. πŸ˜ƒ 

I am very pleased with this week. But I am going to do better about drinking a gallon of water a day. I was doing so well with that and kind of fell away, but this week will be better.

And that’s a wrap! Do you have any fitness goals this month? Any pesky pounds you’ve been meaning to lose? Tell me about them in the comments, would love to hear your weight-loss plan. πŸ˜€

Sincerely, 

Katie

October Goals

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I can’t believe October is finally upon us!! It seems like yesterday September was here and our familes, Spencer and I were gathered around celebrating seven or eight birthdays at Hubby’s grandparents house. Including our precious first born, John Spencer. πŸ˜€

I am actually excited about this month. I have a few goals I would like to share with you! 

1. I am excited to finally buckle down hard on my weight loss journey. Its been a constant battle for 2 years! But I am sick of myself and tired of my clothes not fitting and so, no more excuses. Just so it actually happens I will “report” my progress each week on Friday or Saturday of this month, to tell you how I did, food and exercise wise.  What recipes that stood out to me, and which ones I enjoyed better, etc. I am hoping to cook my way through the Trim Healthy Mama lifestyle, from now on. I am using Pinterest until I can get the book (maybe for Christmas)! But Pinterest has a ton of the recipes thanks to bloggers for sharing their favorites! πŸ˜ƒ

2. Find more reasons to be Thankful! I have always struggled with this and I need to work on it, and stop whinning and complaining about how hard life is. I want to have a happier lifestyle, one my hubby can enjoy being around. There is something so unnerving about a complaining spirit, and something so Beautiful about a thankful, one. 🌺 

3. Pray for my husband, more. I do pray for him, but not like I used too, when we first got married. I really want to pray hard for him, and pray hard for me, that I would be better wife to him. I know I need to work on this so much! So these are big desires of my heart. πŸ™πŸΌ

4. Spend more time talking to God in general. Before I got married, I used to talk to God like a best friend, I would say, “Thank you, Lord!” Everytime something great happened or prayed loudly often. People often looked at me strangly, but I desire to be like that again. To stop being stagnet and draw closer to my Father. He can help me.

5. Start writing my cookbook. Yeah, this has been a goal/dream of mine for a long time, ever since I started cooking on a serious level. When I worked at a resturant called Curry’s or Johntson Street Cafe’, reading their “secret” recipes, I wanted to come up with my very own set of recipes, which later turned into a desire to write a cookbook. But it won’t just be cooking, it will also be other things as well. Mostly cooking though. And some survival tips. πŸ˜€ with a name like the Homestead artist, gotta have a lil bit of everything…will it be published? Ha! We will see what the bank account says. πŸ˜‰ (which is one reason my children’s book never got published…too much $$$ Maybe some day, though)! 

6. Along with doing THM, this month I won’t be allowed any sugar. You know, the no in-between bit in one of my lasts posts, that applies for this kinda situation as well. I am either gonna allow myself sweets or not. What I mean is, if I do, all that hard work will go down the drain, so its either sweets or no sweets, its either start the lifestyle or don’t. I can’t eat just one piece of dark chocolate, I will eat the whole thing. So no sugar this month! Next month may be different, I may allow myself a lil here and there if I do a good job this month. πŸ’ͺ🏻✊🏻

I think those are simple enough goals! I hope I succede!

Do you have any big or small goals you want to achieve this month? What are they? Would love to hear about them! πŸ˜€ 

Thanks for reading,

Katie

Finding Joy (Part 2 of John Spencer’s birth story).

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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. John Spencer, this is your voice, my awareness and tribute to you, my sweet precious boy! “Mama, loves you!”

As we were headed to the hospital that Sunday afternoon, the contractions were coming now so very close together, it was hard to breathe correctly ’cause honestly neither of us had been through anything like this, so neither had anything to compare it to. Spencer however as he gripped the steering wheel going 90mph and possibly pushing 100, looked at me from time to time calming me with his soothing voice. 
I got a phone call shortly after (I had called my mother as we had left the house after my midwife told me to hurry up to the hospital, so we both called our mothers). My sister in law Kelly, called me as we were driving or speeding to the hospital. I had asked her, since my sister is so young, I never had a sister who had been through a birth and since I consider her one of my best friends and a close sister I knew I could count on her being there to root for me and help me get through my birth, since I was scared to death! 

She called and asked me if I wanted her to come, of course, I did, but didnt want her to feel pressured. She came along with my mom! I cannot tell you how much the presence of family during such a difficult time can truly be on a couple who are not only clueless but hurting so deeply like nothing you could ever imagine, or maybe you could if you thought about it long and hard. Just your pressence can make such a huge impact on someones life, you could not know how much! 

We finally got to the woman’s center (hospital) and as I sat in one of the wheelchairs, I could feel something poking through, (my babies head perhaps? Was I seriously that dialated?) so I had to sit sideways cause he literally felt as though he were coming, now!

What seemed like an eternity, signing papers and forms, and what have you, and then waiting for like ever in the waiting room, Spencer tried everyway to calm me down, as I was hurting and quietly (screaming) through each contraction. The intensity level was huge, I thank God for those keegal muscles for thats the only way I can figure I was able to keep him in for that long. 

Finally they had my room ready and so the sweet nurse residing over me told me to put my gown on in the bathroom, each step to the bathroom was painful. And feeling like I needed to “poop” I thought this would be the only time I would be able to go, but what I didnt realize is that feeling was coming from down there not where I thought it was! 

To spare you some of the graphicness, (cause that’s not what I want to focus on), I thought I better move ahead. Most of it is pretty traumatic and I definitely don’t want you focused just on that, his birth was sad and traumatic but it was still beautiful even in the midst of such sorrow and heart break. 

The nurses were able to get me to the bed and I lay there looking up at my husband, big tears were rolling down this mans face, this man who rarely cries, he held my hand and as he was about to crumble, my mother slipped a loving hand around him and my sister in law as well. Kelly grabbed my hand and squeezed it and hugged my neck and prayed for me right there, how can one keep tears back when one prays sweetly such as this in such a hard and powerful time? There was not a dry eye in that room, even amongst the nurses. All I could feel as I lay flat on my back was the warm/hot flow of blood, the contractions wouldn’t stop, finally I asked through simple quiet cries, “May I push?!” No answer. I asked again, thinking, no one heard me, “May I please push, now?” Finally one of the nurses peeped her head over my mothers shoulder and said, “Go ahead, sweetie.” 

Maybe one, maybe two pushes and he was out. Maybe the nurses thought, the push or pushes would take longer? No one was there to catch my precious baby, which was why I asked in the first place. I wanted them to stop what they were doing, one nurse frantically trying to get my IV stuck in, one trying to find the babies heart beat, if there was one, another frantically moving about in and out of the room. Was there no one to catch my baby? I know he is not alive at this point but was it necessary to let him crumple to the resistance of the bed as if he was no better than a fish flopping on the bottom of a boat? I guess no one realized how fast he would come out? I dont know, I do know one thing, even though there was no one willing or ready to catch my baby, Jesus did, he caught my baby’s soul, and what a wonderful thought! That thought brings tears of rejoicing to my eyes! As he came out all I could say at that point was, “Not my will, but Thine, Oh Lord!”

How could one rejoice over somthing so traumatic, you may ask? How could one find joy in the heart wrenching reality of losing your only son, to death? My Father in Heaven heals the broken hearted, he takes them up like a parent to a child, He draws them close, and comforts them. But as I look back, in the smallest of glimpses, I see what it feels like to lose your only son to death! “Thank you, Father, for that small glimpse! What it must have been like when Your Son died for those He came to save, on the cross!” What a wonderful thought! 

As soon as he was born, the rest of the time the nurses and my Doctor finally showed up about this time, the placenta was being stubborn and wouldn’t come out.

They tried pulling on the embelical cord, they even gave me some medication to help me contract so I could push it out. Just as they were about wheel me in for a D&C, I started to feel the contractions kicking in. Once again, I asked several times if I could push, finally someone said, go ahead! One push and that hot jello-like substance came out. 

As if in a dreamy fog, my mind continued to go over what just happened. Here’s a few of my thoughts that I wrote down in my journal.

“Lord, I am so sorry! I did not love you enough! I played opposite roles of Abraham, instead of willing to give up my only son, I wanted him more than my own breath! I am sorry that I didn’t love you like I should have, I’m sorry if I showed too much love towards my baby and not enough to you!” 

I opened my eyes to find my mother and father in law, my dad and mom sitting in the room, still not a dry eye in the room, I looked about frantically for my man, he was sitting patiently waiting for me to awaken, beside me. As if I had a need to worry, My heart sank and my words flowed heavily, “Where’s my baby?!” Spencer, looked rather shocked, he patted my shoulder and said, “He’s right here, babe. He hasn’t left your side.” The tears finally came again, as I started humming the only hymn that came to mind. “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”.

Apparently I had talked a bunch out of my head after the placenta finally came out. 

Spencer later told me some of the funny things I had said, (I think it was a relief to everyone who had been there to hear my quirky side coming out as my body was wearing off the crazy side affects of the medication I had previously been administered a few hours before. 

The Nurse-“Would you like something to drink?”

Me-“I want a coke’a’cola? (In the strongest southern accent you can muster!)

Nurse as she pours a Pepsi in a cup and hands it to me-“Would a Pepsi be ok?” 

Me,As if I was a cranky old lady-“No! Pepsi is NASTY!!” Lol!!! 

Which everyone literally laughed out loud! πŸ˜†πŸ˜„

There are many quotes that I could come up with regarding the sun coming up in the morning after such storms, but I won’t not now, maybe in another post, the strom blew over just a might and even though our night was a rough one there in the hospital, through many tears we managed to sleep some. 

Morning came and something strange happened, we both were able to smile, we were able to rejoice and be happy. It was like a major peace swept over us. I had to pinch myself, was I alright? Truly? Or was this just left over side affects from the meds the night before?

We named our baby and signed some paper work. We got a few sweet things from the hospital to take home, NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, Photography group) had come and taken pictures of our son, foot and hand prints among other things. 

We had a few precious moments left to spend hugging and loving on our son before we permently said out heart wrenching goodbyes. 

How can one love someone so much you never even met? Is it even possible? 

No matter what people may tell me, I have a hope and belief that I will see my baby again! Thats the only way I can rejoice, be happy and glad!

Spencer and I walked down the hallway of the woman and children center, I never noticed before the beautiful yet heart wrenching photos that covered the walls of that entire hallway. That first and only moment I questioned God, “Why Lord? We already went through so much heart ache, why must we end it by seeing these beauitful photos of parents and their healthy babies, when ours lay limp in a cooled incabator?” 

I had to stop my mean thoughts toward my loving God. And I apologized under my breath and that peace came again like a wave of hope and love! 

The only verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:28: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”

I am so blessed, truly. God gave me two precious boys, who are both waiting patiently for me and their Daddy. God is so good! Truly, and as crazy as it may sound, even though its not been easy and still is not, thanks to this trial I am closer to my God than I ever thought possible. He is so very good and always shall be! 

I can finally smile and say, I am happy! πŸ’— Thank you, Jesus!

  
In Him, 

Katie