John Spencer’s, one year birthday is coming up early next month, and sadly I still haven’t had the strength to write his amazing story! I think, every child is deserving of their birth story, to be told. I never tire of telling his story in person. Its time to write it out, to those of you that don’t live close. or don’t know me. I pray God uses it to bless your heart, who knows, you maybe going through the same losses as my husband and I are. This is for you!.
Its amazing what God did for us during that very difficult time in our life. He gave us so much joy, it was almost too overwhelming. He answered so many of our prayers in times of much suffering.
Grab a box of tissues. I know I will be. Many prayers go up while I type… so hard, but yet, I know ’twill be rewarding if it touches at least one person. God is good.
Where to begin? I think I shall start with the ultrasound. It was Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014. We walked into the ultrasound room, Hubby and I. Super thrilled and excited, it was the day we were to find out if baby #1 was a boy or girl! 🙂 Being our first as you can imagine we were beyond excited… although, in spite of what everyone was saying (except my dad), I knew it was going to be a boy. You know how you just have that feeling? Yeah, I did. But I would have been fine with a girl, I just knew I wanted what my hubby wanted, and I had prayed a ton for a boy. Just like Hannah in the Bible. Those verses were giving me hope.
Sure enough as soon as the nurse turned on the screen, there “it” was, our assumptions had been final! Yay!! It’s a beautiful baby boy! Wow, God is so good to answer our hearts desires, isn’t He?
Watching him roll about on the screen was truly miraculous. I think every first mom should get an ultrasound. Truly. It is one of the best decisions we ever made! Since we never got to see our boys, roll about in person, to see them jumping about on the screen, was truly breath taking! (No, we didn’t have twins, we had Isaac, another time. His story, later).
I am so thankful for those times in the Ultrasound room. It was truly amazing.. I did have to cry a little, just watching on the screen, “That’s my baby! That’s MY baby!! We made this!! God made this!! Wow!!” Happy tears! 🙂 If you haven’t felt the awe and awesomeness of it, you will, trust me, it’s an incredible experience, like no other!
We got to the car with a load of pictures from the ultrasound. We were going to do something cool on how to tell our parents, but we were just too excited, so I called my mom on the way home, and Spencer overheard her cries of “OH!!! I’m SO HAPPY for y’all!!” “I KNEW it had to be a boy!!” (well, she went back and forth, but who cares?” lol!) 😉
Then after telling all my siblings that live at home and my Dad, Spencer called his parents and they were super excited as well!
Everything was going great, until it happened. That moment when everything changed, from good to traumatic. For me, its always been, “When it rains, it pours.” no sprinkles… always pours. But when things like this happen, the pouring rain comes, it teaches me so much about what it means to be patient and to let go, and let God, to trust God fully, no matter what. Psalm 27:14 is truly a life verse for me, “Wait on the Lord and be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.”
I was tired one afternoon around 2 o’clock Saturday, September 6th, 2014. So I took a nap. Spencer was out dove hunting with a friend, so I was alone, at home. Around 4 o’clock I woke up with a start, and hurriedly jolted up and soon as that happened, something felt as though it popped, like a thick bubble, “down there” and liquid, gushed out. All I could think was, “Oh Lord Jesus, please don’t let it be that!” I grabbed my cell phone as I ran to the bathroom and called Spencer and told him what had happened, I was shaking from head to toe and so scared, I didn’t know what else to do. I sat in the bathroom as water continuously gushed out every few seconds. Spencer told me to call my midwife, for whom I was planning on using for my birth. *I was 21 weeks that day, btw*.
To make a long story short, I started bleeding down there, and Spencer got home to rush me to the ER at the Huntsville Hospital. That’s where we had planned to give birth if there were any complications. That was just a precaution, I didn’t think that would actually happen to me. My family doesn’t have much of a history for losing children, except for my grandmother, I later found out.
This drawing tells it all. We waited in the Woman’s Center for nearly 2 hours, waiting and praying, crying and scared, not knowing what to expect? The nurse came in with a portable ultrasound, rolling the big machine into the room, blocking the screen view from my sight. A worrisome mother, like I was, wondering why they do that sort of thing? Keeping me in suspense is not going to help me right now.
Spencer watched the screen with tears in his eyes, but trying to be strong for me, watched while our baby barely moved. All the amino acid was gone, he was not floating around, but laying flat on his back, I managed to sit up so I could see the screen, too.
About 30 minutes later our OB/GYN wheeled himself into the room on a little tricycle thingy. Poor man, had broken his leg falling into an Orchestra Pit. I know right? Bless his heart.
He told me, our baby was doing ok, his heart rate was slowly going down, but he was breathing and alive. He told us our options. We could either stay in the hospital and do everything we could to keep our John Spencer, alive by putting me on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (about 19 weeks), and keeping me on strong medication and fluid to help heal the sac by adding fluid to it in hopes it will seal back up and baby, will be ok. Although, the doctor said, he would most likely have lung issues and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
We could go home and try the above from home.
He let us go home to talk about it and pray about it. So we did.
That’s when I got your beautiful text, Lacey! That you and Nathan had gotten engaged! God knew, I needed more than anything to hear good news that horrible trying night! Yes, its the little things that are truly the Big things. I thank you again, for that, girl! 🙂
We both got home with heavy hearts, and it was so hard to keep the tears from flowing. It’s so hard, even now. All my hopes and dreams were crushed all in one single blow. “Why, Lord? Why me? Please, what have I done? Did I really mess up somewhere? Did I not love you, enough?” Was all that was running through my feeble mind.
What I couldn’t understand at the time was, God does not in anyway, form or fashion, does NOT punish His people for whom He loves. No amount of neglecting Him or His word, or not loving Him like we should when we have backslidden from Him, does He love us any less. NO, He loves us, no matter what. He took our punishment on the cross. He does chastise us from time to time, to get our attention away from ourselves, and onto Him. But He won’t punish us, He has already paid for that punishment, it is finished! Everything that happens is for His mysterious plan and purpose. Nothing escapes Him, not even the death of a sparrow.
He loves me, no matter what!
When we got home, it was 3 in the morning (Sunday, September 7th, 2014) Spencer went on to bed, and I couldn’t sleep, a mommy can never sleep when they know their baby is in danger. I kissed hubby goodnight (good morning), and took my Sword (Bible) in hand and knelt down beside the couch to plead with my Heavenly Father. Tears streaming down my face I asked God for healing. That God would do a miracle for my baby, and through his testimony, people would be saved! I also prayed, if God already decided to take my baby home early, that He would give Spencer and I much grace, hope and peace through it all, that He would give us the peace that passeth all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) That hope and promise that God was going to work everything out for our good,(Romans 8:28) for we loved Him and believe we are called according to HIS purposes.
I asked God, if this is what He willed for us, that He would not make us bitter and angry, or depressed. I had seen this in others and I didn’t want that for me. I didn’t want to be that way. I wanted to show people, that I still love the Lord, and I glorify Him even in the bad times. Though, I’m not perfect by any means, I know I fail in that area, and I know I have many times.
I also didn’t want to be found envying other women for having children, like I had seen in others who had gone through baby losses. I didn’t want to be angry at anyone who was joyed in having a little one. Every life is precious and should be celebrated! I didn’t want to be like the norm. I wanted to stand out and be different, to glorify God by being happy for all my lovely gifted friends. But I confess, I am not perfect, I have felt this way, I have hurt in this way, that’s when I know I need to keep my hands busy and not worry about everything that is going on around me. To focus on the true and real, what I need to do now. Congratulate them, and pray for them.
I had literally prayed those things over and over again to, Jesus, until about 8am, I went to the bedroom where my hubby was sleeping, and woke him up. We prayed together and cried large heavy tears. Spencer told me, he cried himself to sleep. That man, never cries. I had only seen him cry twice, before all this happened. When he gave his first hug to me, after he asked me to marry him and when we said, “I do” on our wedding day.
We both decided it best to call our parents first. I called my mom, it was around 9am, when I called. That was seriously the hardest phone call of my life. I have never heard my mother cry like that, its hard for me, so hard. The memories flood in. I remember her pleading with God as I told her everything. Spencer couldn’t listen anymore, He had to go outside. He called his mom and told her.
I took a nap, for I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to go to church today. At around 1:30pm I started having indigestion, or at least I thought it was. I didn’t think anything of it at first, it just felt like the indigestion I had had all week. They started to get closer together and more in number. I called for Spencer and he came and he called my midwife and she told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible, that wasn’t indigestion, I was in labor!
I need a break, so forgive me. This is a lot to rehash. I will have to take it in strides, as it comes to me. Thank you for reading. I hope its a blessing to you, though, I know it’s not finished.
In Christian Love,