Finding Answers…Finding Joy! (Part 1)

 So many things have happened since I was last on here. Wow. Has it really been a year since I started this blog? At least that’s what WordPress tells me. It doesn’t seem like that long. I apologize to those who were waiting for the next post, but I have been having so much writer’s block, I feel sometimes I’m living in a fog, and its hard to see, what to say, or how to say it.  I’m hoping just blogging as I can, and when I have time to, will remedy that and help me in that area.

As you can see, I am so bad about starting something and never finishing it. So, I am definitely behind on some things.

The  “Artist Challenge” for instance,  I believe I made it too hard for me. I haven’t picked up a paint brush in several months, sadly. Photography {KatieMillerPhotograpy} has been my lot these days. But its a very good lot. I’m muchly thankful for, for those of them that used me for different kinds of photo shoots. I love taking pictures. Its one of my favorite past times these days.

Anyway, enough about all that.  I am so sorry my blogging got pushed aside, but life goes on and I’m sure y’alls lives have been doing the same.

We previously lost another little one, in May. May 1st, 2015 to be exact, so I have been recovering from all that. I will admit, it was easy at first, mainly cause I had accepted it the first time I landed in the hospital.  But as time goes by, it seems to get harder and harder.  And you really hope that this one will be the one that lives after birth, only to find you’ve landed in the hospital again, this time longer, trying to simply keep your baby alive long enough to save him and keep him breathing till he can breathe on his own.  But for whatever reason, God took him home early as well.  Yes, our little Isaac Solomon, reached those pearly gates without us and before us, just like his older brother, John Spencer.  I know there is a reason, and I am trusting God knows best for us. But it is still so hard and so delicate a topic, for both of us.

I had so much hope build up that this one was going to live outside the womb. The baby I was going to get to take home, and take care of.  But the first time we went to the hospital, when I was dehydrated, I knew, this baby was not going to stay in. I knew in my heart of hearts, he would not live for very long. But more than anything, I was going to fight for him. Yes, I loved him that much. And still do.

I really couldn’t sit down and write, anything for awhile.  Not in my journal or in anything else. That’s really not like me at all.  I feel so much, writing is what I do when I am hurting or super happy.

Some of you asked what it is that makes me lose my children.  I have what they call an incompetent cervix.

What that means, is I can’t keep my baby in my womb for very long on its own. When I reach a certain point in time (Usually around 21-22 weeks) I go into labor too soon.  As the baby grows and gets heavier (Even though 1lb isn’t really that heavy) it can’t go any heavier so it opens too soon.  When I was in the hospital that first time, when I had gotten dehydrated, the nurse checked me and sure enough I was 1 cm open.  There are a lot of woman that go through this same thing, some don’t have a clue that’s what is causing them to have an early birth.  My body thinks its going into labor so my water breaks too early and boom I’m having a baby.

I know, I’m not explaining that very well, but I’m no doctor, that’s just how I understand it to be. My body can’t hold my babies in, past 22 weeks. So next time, I will have to get what they call a Cervical cerclage What it is, is basically a surgical stitch they will put in my cervix at around 12-14 weeks and when I get to be about 34-36 weeks, they will go in and cut the stitch and it should allow me to go into labor asap or may be extended to 40 weeks. I’m just so thankful there is a procedure I can go through to allow me to have a baby, (Lord willing), one I can hold and take care of outside the womb.

And if that doesn’t work, they have one last way, and that is to tie up my cervix and have my babies through C-Sections.

That last part has always been something I have looked down on, something, I admit I never thought was true blue, “Having a baby”. But then again, I had never went through either one, and honestly, I think its no different now, than getting an epidural, both make your birth “easier” in a sense, but the recovery is nothing to look down on.

I understand, all women want their birth to be as painless as possible.  My births, were just as painful I am sure, maybe a slight more gentler, but still painful. And size really has nothing to do with labor. I realized that when I was in labor with Isaac for 5 straight days. I’m no hero by any means. More than anything I wanted the pain from the contractions to go away, ASAP!!

But, I kept fighting for Isaac to stay alive and by God’s Grace I was able to endure the hard contractions and breathe through each one, with ease.  Thank the Lord for Essential Oils, that kept my mind sane and my prayers, asking God to help me through each hard contraction.

But I really have more of an appreciation for women that have had to go through C-Sections, not by choice but by saving a life.  That is kinda what we are trying so desperately to do. Save a life. Giving birth whether, vaginally, or C-section isn’t something to sneeze at. Both have their good and not so great points. The good being, Saving the life, and the bad, the recovery, can be harder on your body depending on what your body can endure.

Lord willing, in a few weeks we go and see a Specialist to get more answers on the 10th of September. So for those of you who have been following our story, via Facebook or Instagram and/or who have been praying for us, we would appreciate more prayers that more of our questions would be answered.

This road is not easy and we definitely need your prayers and encouragements.  We have received so much already!  And we are so appreciative.

*Hopefully I will post my next installment as I find the time*.

God Bless!

Katie

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